TW: Self harm and suicide, abusive behaviour, homophobia and racism. Yeah, we met a real peach.
I’m falling apart. At the ripe old age of 37 I am essentially a husk, shuffling my way through my days just hoping that nothing essential drops off into my thin gruel. With this slow decay comes sleepless nights and while I could definitely use some more shut eye from time to time, this does offer me the opportunity to get in a little Valorant time in the wee small hours.
I main Cypher and have spent hours working on my plays, trying to “get good” as the young folk say. When next season drops, I plan to hit at least Gold but even if I don’t, it’s a damn fun game and I have a whale of a time playing with my mates. Usually.
As part of our push for inclusivity and positivity in gaming, we begin every round of Valorant by wishing all players good luck and fun times. As a little extra bonus for Pride, we also throw up our rainbow coloured “Happy Pride Month” message and yes, we get a lot of hate but we get a whole lot of love too and that’s what it’s all about. The bigoted and hateful get reported and we move on with our day.
Sadly, we met an absolute monster during a recent game. Having been greeted with nothing but good cheer, he immediately began spamming text chat with homophobic and racist slurs. He then moved on to voice chat, letting me know in no uncertain terms that “God will obliterate” me for my heinous crime of being “gae” and then suggesting that I go and hang myself. Constantly.
I went against my better judgement and called him on his hateful tirade. He immediately protested that he was not a bigot and said that he had “freedom of speech” and could therefore say whatever he wanted.
I snapped.
I explained to this ignorant man that firstly I am a heteronormative cis male but also not a “sub human piece of trash” and therefore not a bigot. I further explained that freedom of speech afforded him protection from persecution by the government for speaking out, but did not mean that I had to listen to his hateful and ignorant whining. I then likened him to the sweat that runs down your butt crack and called him a piece of shit, or words to that effect.
I regret it.
He deserved every bit of it and he was absolutely wrong in both his views and his understanding of his right to spread them, but I still regret it. I’m trying very hard to be better and in this instance, the tirade of abuse hit me and I snapped. It’s hard to have that much hate spewed in your direction and I say this as an ally but not as someone who actually has to deal with this on a personal level and on a regular basis. I couldn’t cope with it that one time and so I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to be the bigger person in that situation day in and day out.
I am determined to be better. I will greet all players with cheer and love and report those who reciprocate with hate and bile. I won’t stoop to their level.
Well, I’ll try.